you swear you remember the first time you ever saw me, but for whatever reason, I can’t say the same. I’m blaming it on the fact that I was in a weird place in my life. but nevertheless, I do remember the first time I realized I was into you even though you were unavailable.
it was almost immediate for me. I was really drawn to you from the get go but I was never certain of how you felt. mostly because you had a girlfriend but also because I was distracted by the recent dissolution of my own relationship. you would talk to me, be really sweet and even kind of flirt with me, but I wrote it off as just your type of personality. regardless, I always found myself wanting to be around you.
karaoke was something I avoided like the fucking plague because I knew would rather die than endure the secondhand embarrassment I would experience there. I even nervous laughed until I cried the first night I went to watch alec sing. despite how much I wanted to kill him for doing it, I’m so glad he tricked me into coming that night because you ended up being there.
I remember talking to you some, but the bar was always so loud and I was really drunk, as I seemingly was a lot of the time because I felt so lost after graduation. 23 and fresh out of a serious relationship and college, I had no damn clue what I was doing with my life. and honestly at the time, I wasn’t doing much other than drinking and clinging on to alec because he was the only constant I had. I was a wreck. you were the only thing I looked forward to every week.
in hindsight, I realize that I should have felt more pathetic than I did; looking forward to seeing a guy I barely knew who also happened to be in a long term relationship. I didn’t seem to give a shit though, considering I’d ask alec every monday and wednesday if you’d be coming with us to the bar. there is one night I remember in particular…
you, alec, robert, gabe, and I all left andy’s after karaoke and decided to go to waffle house. it was really late and I was really fucking drunk. you had driven yourself so instead of riding with alec, I decided to get in your car. I’d never spent any time alone with you, so I took advantage of the situation in my drunken state. I don’t really remember much of what we talked about or what I said, but I do remember talking to you about my ex. I hardly even knew you and yet it still felt comforting to talk to you about my personal life and problems. I think this was the first night I wanted to kiss you.
we sat across from each other when we were all eating. I’ve since forgotten what else was going on that night, but the one thing I do remember for whatever fucking reason was when we were all talking about our names and initials. I don’t know why we were talking about something so strange but I really don’t know what the hell prompted your response to me saying my initials were NES, just like nintento entertainment system. you looked at me dead on and said to me “if we got married, your initials would be NED.” I remember absolutely nothing that was said before or after that but I do remember you laughing when you said that to me. whether it was out of nervousness because you had realized what you said to a near complete stranger or if it was because you were a little drunk, but that was the night I realized I was in trouble. I don’t remember anything else but you.
honestly, I really don’t remember much of the proceeding months after that. I’d see you nearly every week, either at karaoke or at you and alec’s house since you two still lived together at the time and I was always around; I hopelessly attached to alec’s friendship because he was the only friend at the time who seemed to stick around after I graduated. most of the time you would come home alone and walk directly back to alec’s bedroom to say hi to us, and nothing made me happier than to see you in his doorway. by this time, I had my current job so I didn’t stay around for too long after you’d come home, but even if I only got to see you for a few minutes it would lift my spirits.
the more time I spent around you, the more I realized I liked you, and the more I realized I would likely never have a chance with you. I’d have to sit through your conversations with alec about your girlfriend and watch you text her while we were out at the bar. and I had no justification to be upset about it. sad may be be too strong of a word for how I felt, but it definitely bummed me out more than I ever would have admitted back then. I didn’t want anyone to know and tell me how childish or pitiful I was for being interested in someone in a relationship. I didn’t even really tell alec how I felt about you until summer rolled around and I found out you two weren’t doing so well anymore.
he would probably kill me if he knew I ever mentioned it, but he told me about how you said you were likely going to end things with her sooner than later. I think everyone saw it coming but you. but as someone who feels guilty about nearly anything and everything I think or do that’s wrong, I will admit I did feel a little bad being excited upon hearing that news. I don’t know why I felt so relieved or felt like I’d remotely have any sort of chance with you, seeing as alec had told me recently that you strictly saw me as a friend. I remained hopeless even after I was told you had finally gone through with breaking things off with her.
fast-forward a few weeks to july 16th. to my shock and embarrassment, I realized that alec ultimately ended up spilling how I felt about you once I saw your message to me on facebook. it had been a few weeks or even months since I had seen you and we almost never spoke on the internet.
"pretty please come to karaoke with us?"
that’s all you had to say to me for me to know what alec did. I’ll admit I was a little mad at him at first, but seeing how things ended up, I couldn’t be more grateful. we by no means had a conventional start to a relationship, and to this day, I’m still floored that you stuck around after I panicked and tried to end things with you. I know we tell each other “I love you” every chance we get, but your actions go so far beyond your words. I’ve never been able to physically feel how much someone loves me just by them looking at me, and I’ve never felt pain worse than what it feels like to be apart from you. you’ve taught me what real, selfless love is supposed to be like. you’ve managed to break my guard down and convince me that feelings are okay to have. you’ve given me a sort of peace in my life that I’ve never experienced before. you’ve been more than just a boyfriend to me. you’re a daily inspiration and reason for me to be thankful I’m alive. you’ve given me so much more than I could ever repay you and I am so incredibly grateful for you every single day.
thank you, j.
Genius! This is what I’ve been missing. A Hammock in my house! As ridiculous as it sounds you have to admit this does look pretty cool, however impractical it may be and I think I’d be further justified because I am after all from the Caribbean. Now, just have to figure out where………
I know nothing’s wrong but I’m not convinced